Lots of stuff all smooshed in a scattered post

Mike landed a job! We are back in the work-force!! Yay!!!

We just went to dinner and this is why I don't like to eat out with my kids:

• River spilled my water.
• River doesn't like to sit.
• River likes to touch everything he shouldn't.
• River is loud.
• Hunter won't sit still.
• Like, I asked him to sit down at least 4 times.
• The kids always want ridiculous drinks and protest loudly when I say no.
• Hunter shoved too much food in his mouth and puked at the table.
• No, really, puked. At the table. While I was eating. Next to him.
• River asked to go potty.
• Then he came back to the table and yelled "I just peed in my pants!"
• I'm sure there were more things, but those are the highlights.

I wish, desperately, that I had a secret blog. It would have great stuff on it. (Just like that sentence there...great...stuff.) I'd tell you the titles, but I'm pretty sure even the titles are too racy/inappropriate/outrageous.

In five short weeks I will be enjoying my last summer vacation. I can't wait!

We're asking our kids if they've ever kissed anybody because I heard one of their classmates had already french kissed. FRENCH KISSED. (I'm not sure if you know this or not, but my capacity to be the parent of a teenager is... well, I'm just not ready yet.)

Oprah had a show about the sex talk and there was talk of vibrators for teenage girls. And I am SO NOT THERE.

Meadow said the other day in the car that Hunter should "really try to sleep as much as possible so you don't have to realize the horrible nightmare your life has become". And I said "Where did that come from?" And she said "Chowder". Which is a cartoon I let my kids watch. Clearly, I should be more selective.

Oprah had a show about single Dads and there was a guy whose wife died a day after she gave birth to their first child. And then all my bitching and pseudo-problems seemed so very small.

So, to sum it all up, life is good and irritating and good and hard and good and weird and good and funny and good and scary. (But mostly good.)

Read with enthusiasm

Mom! I just peed on my hand!!

Awesome dude. Let's wash them now, okay?

Quickie

River, I need to change your diaper.

No.

Come here NOW please.

No.

Come here or I will come get you.

No!

Fine. I'm going to get you then.

No!

I'm going to lay you down now...

I don't like you! I want to punch you in the face!

(How do you not laugh at that? He's what we like to call, um, expressive.)

Dipstick

Remember the water bottle? So, Meadow never ponied up the money and it is mine, all mine. Which means it's River's. I mean, let's be real. What the hell am I gonna do with a High School Musical water bottle?

River is potty training.

Which means he runs around naked. A lot. He was doing his business today and then he grabbed his water bottle and asked me for some water. I said no, and asked him to finish pottying. He is easily distracted and went from the potty to the bottle and the sink and back to the potty and so on. Then I turned around and saw him putting his, um, hose in the bottle. I suppose to fill it?! The conversation that followed went something like this:

"Dude! You can't potty in that! Go put your pants on!"

"I need some water!"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you just put your penis in it."

Just another thing, in an increasing large list of things, that I NEVER pictured myself saying.

Weirdness goes around and comes around

About 100 years ago I worked in radio. Which isn't especially important, except that from time to time at events people would ask for my autograph or something. It was weird. I remember thinking things in my head like That's so sad, or Wow, this person needs real friends, or I hope they're not stalker-ish.



So Jay Cutler and Josh McDaniels and Pat Bowlen all SUCK. This stupid situation is, well, lose-lose for everyone. I wish I could tie them all together in a room and make them stay in there until they get along and figure things out.



How do these things connect?



Well, this morning I was trying to think of all the things that might not suck about Jay Cutler getting traded. This is what I came up with:

• He kinda looks like one of my nephews and I like to have crushes on our QBs. I can't have a crush on anyone that resembles a nephew. There are some lines even I can't cross.


• I was happy for Greenie (Mike Greenberg of EPSN's Mike & Mike in the morning) because the Jets might get Cutler and Greenie loves the Jets and he kind of loves Cutler. That's right, I was happy for my imaginary radio friend. Like - that was one of my up-sides to this stupid crappy situation.

So sad.

(Still) Laughing out loud

One of my exam questions today had a patient case and symptoms.

We had to correctly diagnose what was wrong with a 70 year old man.

He had shingles.

Not. Even. Kidding.

Laughing out loud...

Mike and I both turned 35 in the last week or so.

I get to go first and he follows politely behind. Still, it annoys me that he steals my birthday month. (Not really, but go with me here for a minute.)

Here is a multiple choice question for you:

In order to steal my husband's birthday thunder I _______________.

a. Wrecked my car.
b. Got the shingles.
c. Golfed a hole in one.

So, if I'm guessing it seems like A is the most likely. B and C seem equally ridiculous.

When in doubt, always go with B.

That's right. I've got the mother effing shingles.

Apparently, the warranty has run out and I forgot to re-up.

Getting old rocks.

Conversation

Mom, what's an ad?

It's an advertisement.

What's that?

An advertisement?

Yeah.

Um, it's what they make when they're trying to sell stuff to you.

[Curious look, clearly not getting it.]

It's like a commercial on paper.

Oh! Cool.

Proof that I think "SCHOOL IS IMPORTANT!"

So Meadow had to sit in one of my classes the other day because she was home sick and Mike had an interview and I am compulsively unable to skip class for almost any reason because OMG I pay a lot of money to be there. Right?

ANYWAY...

It was the class where we all have to give presentations and we ususally have about three each week. There's a quiz afterwards to make sure you were listening. At any rate, I thought she could probably manage to sit through it without drawing too much attention to the fact that THERE'S A CHILD IN A COLLEGE CLASSROOM! (Although truthfully, people were fascinated by her presence and she was all, "Why are they starring at me?" and I was all, "Um, cuz you're short." Which, apparently pissed her off. *sigh* And writing all this makes me wonder if they'll print out blog posts when they're at the shrink's office as proof of what they went through. But, WHATEVER.)

ANYWAY...

We got through the first two which were about heat stroke and something else super boring. And then the last one was about hemorrhoids. The presenter used phrases like "anal itching" and "anal leakage". So Meadow writes me a note that says: "What is she talking about?" And I write back: "Butt problems." And she writes back: "I wish I didn't ask." And then I totally didn't laugh, which I think means I win some sort of prize.

And that's what I did last Wednesday.

Oh Cottenelle... (we miss you!)

So we've made a lot of changes. One of those has been downgrading the toilet paper.

Big mistake.

This is what we are used to. This is what we are currently using.

In case you ever need to cut costs. May I suggest cutting back from triple ply to double. Going to single ply is... painful.

You know, I'm here to help.

A Quick Note

We have the plague here.

Okay, maybe not the plague. But certainly something close.

Random thoughts to entertain you while I suck down some more meds:

*********************
Mike: Dude, you are so irritating.

Me: (cackling) I know!

Me: (again, after more laughing) I think it's really bad because I don't care! (More laughing)
*********************
Meadow: That was like, so re-donkulous.

(I have no idea what she was talking about, but it was funny.)
*********************
River: Mom, can I have a pass? (Pacifier)

Me: Nope, it's not naptime.

River: Mom, can I have a pass?

Me: Not yet.

River: Mom, can I have a pass?

Me: No bud, it's not naptime.

River: Mom, can I have a pass?

Me: No.

River: Mom, can I have a pass?

Me: (silence)
*************************
Mike: Can you take that from her? (the dog)

Me: What does she have?

Mike: Dirty tissue.

Me: Gross.
**************************

Parenting

River is screaming at me because he's had the last applesauce and the last yogurt.

Apparently, he's not big on the concept of "LAST".

Anyway, in case you were wondering how to get a toddler to totally forget you don't have what they want...

Offer them whip cream with chocolate sauce on top.

It's quiet now:)

This may or may not relate to the last post...

We've been doing a lot of shopping at Costco lately. Yesterday we went while hungry.

Uh-oh.

I think that's like, you know, driving impaired or something.

Basically, it's phenomenally stupid.

This was on sale for like, eight bucks or something.

Holy balls is it delicious.